I pray for forgiveness, for I have sinned. I have been taken over by temptation. I have bitten the forbidden apple…indulging myself into a devilish treat. I tasted the evils of the unholy, sipped every drop of poison. I have eaten all the morality I have left in me, disregarded the ethics of the proper. I embraced the darkness and casted away the radiance of the right. I planned to cheat, without any hint of concern for the consequences.
I regarded the sin as delicious. All of these, I did, when I fell in love with YOU.
When I fell in love with you, I thought that you weren’t the type of guy who would spend time dating a girl. You were the type that would rather indulge yourself doing that “thing” you love, than giving hugs to a girl. And so, I said to myself, “Blessed am I to fall for a guy who would never fall in the arms of someone else…”, Or so I thought.
It was then I found out that maybe it was impossible for a person not to fall in love, whoever he is, or whatever type of person he is. If someone like me, who was nerdy-nerdy in the eyes of many, fell in love, which most “nerdy-type people” regard as the last thing they would ever indulge in, then maybe, someone like you, who is a “my first love is doing the thing I love” type of person, can also feel butterflies in your stomach seeing someone you like.
It hurt to know that fact. And the worst thing is, I found out that you were already committed to someone else. <span style=""> </span>You and that girl have already been together for years. You and that girl first pledged your love for each other during the time when I was still busy learning my algebra. During the time when I still refused to open my heart in the depths of falling in love.
It was hard to accept that fact that she has already won the battle that I secretly started with her. Or maybe I didn’t have the right to wage war with her, for I was not on her league. She is a princess, while I’m a commoner. She was gold and I was tin; she was a gem and I was a piece of rock. I refused to accept the fact that I lost you to her and that you would prefer to be with her. I wondered why I said those things, because you do not even know my name or my face. How stupid of me to challenge the girl you love, because I won’t even stand a chance. I can’t even come near you.
She was much more beautiful. She was richer. Her status is light-years away from mine. She lives in white houses, I live in wooden ones. Her shoes were like Cinderella’s, mine were like Heidi’s. She came from a good family; I came from a good family as well, but with many issues. Her name is crystal-clear and well-known. Mine? No one even knows my name.
Yet, I did not waver. I did not want to give up. I wanted to steal you away from her, to take you to another place where she could not follow us. I wanted to sneak at your house during the nights, abduct you, savor you with my kisses, tighten you with my hugs, and squeeze you with my everlasting love. What am I saying? I wanted to do the work of a thief; to steal your love away from her is the worst thing I could do. It is a sin that I should not commit, for I worked hard to build up a reputation and image that could easily be destroyed if I commit it. I should not do it, for I spent years educating myself. Am I willing to sacrifice that much?
But what am I to do? I found this deadly sin delicious. Much more delicious that any candy, any pastry, any treat. It urges me to commit it; it seduces me to the bone. It sends chills down my spine, forcing me further and further way from reality. It is a secret ecstasy that anyone would want to avoid, but still stare at it and taste it a little bit. You made me into this.
“If only I could see you right now, even if you are with her, I would grab your hand, run away with you, and leave her screaming, calling your name in tears. It may be evil, but to see her like that will bring a smile into my face. If she could only see me indulging you in my towering hugs, that would make me feel comfortable. If only she could see me laughing my heart out loud while she would cry, that would make me feel like I am the winner. That would make me feel weird, and sinful. This is the other side of me.”
But in reality, I am the one who would be screaming, calling your name in tears. She would be the one smiling. I would be the one crying. Maybe the last resort was to commit that sin. When, I do not know. How, is still unclear. Why, is because I love you. Why I love you, is beyond my thinking.
Forgiveness is beyond my reach. But I do not have any regrets. For this tasty sin, even though deceitful, feels so right.