I used to say that falling in love was a foolish thing. And screaming your lungs out, cheering for some guy was nothing but insanity. That crying for a guy was a sign of weakness, in addition to the image of female being meek individuals. No, I didn’t want to be foolish, insane, weak and meek – I just wanted to stick to my principles. But in a snap, it went tupsy-turvy, the tables were turned around. In a moment, I realized I was doing foolish things; I became insane, weak and meek. And I never knew that it felt so good.
Sweet and spicy, that was what it tasted like. That was what insanity brought me.
How I remember the days when I only had my grades to think about. How I remember the days when I only had three places to go- School, bookstore, home. How I remember the days when I used to raise an eyebrow whenever my friends talked about the love of their lives. I wonder if I will still remember my former self after I have been consumed with this insanity. Will I still be able to regain control? The question is, I do not know if it is even a good thing, or a bad thing.
Who am I right after I became insane – A stalker, an avid fan, a cheerer, a hacker, a researcher, a girl in love? I never thought it would turn this bad.
But how did it even start? It was as simple as just a plain of picture of ecstasy. For one second, I stared at it, the next second I stared at it again, then the next two months I kept it and stared at it 20 times a day. The picture was not enough, I took videos, I sought information, I asked people and I went to that place of craziness. After that, I became more and more addicted, to the extent that I sacrificed many things.
Now that I have changed, I wonder what people think of me right now. Is it <i style="">sayonara</i> to my former self? Or is it just a vacation of my former self- to return in any moment. Another question is, which will I embrace – My old self or this new crazy self? I cannot fully decide on that right now. Maybe I will wait after this insanity dies out. If it will die, that is.
Now I will say, that being foolish isn’t such a bad thing. I can even say that it made me feel like a real person – committing mistakes, crying over simple things, dreaming every minute and being told stupid. It made me feel so alive, that I never want to die again.