Sweet Misery

I run, I stumble, I slip and I fall. I chase, I turn, I run and lose track. I felt so weak, felt so powerless, yet I wanted to go on. I acquire many wounds, deep wounds, yet I ignore the bleeding. I felt so alone, yet I expected someone to be out there. It was very dark, but I felt the warmth of light. Is this the irony of this feeling? I felt like dying, but so full of life. What a sweet misery, it gives me toothaches and heartaches, but it tastes so delicious.

When I first set my eyes on you, I knew it would never work out. The both of us were the pure definition of heaven and earth; with you being the holy and I the mortal. You were the flawless one and I was the weak one. My eyes were always on you, but you always looked away; as if I was non-existent. You live in a different world, you own universe, where you exist as an emperor; and I, a pauper. In my world, you are still an emperor, and I am your empress. That, of course, will disappear, in a snap of my finger.

Yet I ask myself, why do I continue loving you, when all I get are droplets of tears? My feelings were reciprocated even before they were heard. When will I end this misery? When buckets are already filled with my sorrows? This question, even I cannot answer. I cannot answer until I know the extents of my feelings. I cannot answer until I know my limitations. I value you so, as well as these pieces of feelings I have for you. But then, as I rose up my hands, I figure that these fragile feelings of mine are only shattered pieces. They were shattered even though no one crushed them. Does that mean that they were not meant to be? Does it mean that I should just dispose it?

It kills me every second I think of those thoughts. You live for another, I live for you. You smile for another, I smile when I think of you. You lend your time for the one you love, for someone, yet I lend my time for you. I can only live, smile and lend my time for you in my dreams, while someone else can do all of those with you in reality. Then I asked myself, “What if I was given a chance to turn my dreams into reality, but never to wake up again? Will I accept it?” maybe I can, maybe not. If I sleep, I will be with you, but then again, I will be lying to myself. If I stay, I must endure, but that way, my love is real.

Everything seems miserable. Everything seems a nightmare. This is the dark side of love. Anyone would want to wake up from this horrible nightmare. But why do I continue to wait?

It’s because it’s sweet. How is it sweet when all I see is bitterness and spice? It’s because love is sweeter when you make all the sacrifices. It’s sweet to know that love is really limitless. Most of all, it’s sweet to know you are alive. That you have some things that everyone else has – a beating heart, a loving heart, a forgiving heart, a unconditional heart; That you can do all things, even those that are impossible.

I can stare at your picture for a lifetime; I am free to do all the dreaming that I want. I can think of you whenever I want. I can talk about you each day and night; I can act as princess while bragging to my friends – how much I know you, even though I don’t. I can love all I want, until I finally run out of feelings. I can tell my friends, how much of a prince you are – strikingly handsome, courageous, genius, royal and radiant. It never fails to bring a smile in my face. It’s crazy, but craziness can temporarily release you from the binds of reality. It can temporarily deceive one’s mind.

The sweetest thing is that how loving you fill my weaknesses. It presents a contrast, just as I was weak, you were strong. As I think that you are already a part of me, I feel like I am the strongest person in the world. You can do things that I cannot, and that makes me feel like I’m soaring. It makes me feel like I can be safe within the towers of your arms, feel warmth from your body, caged by your fingers, protected by that steel-hard body of yours and caressed by that soft, white skin you have. It will be the sweetest heaven I would be into.

What is love without misery? How will you know how much you love if it is not tested? How will you know it really is love if you give up? These are the questions I repeat to myself, the fuel that keeps me going. For as long as I can have all the sweetest treats, I can wash out the bitterness. For as long as you are there, I can never be alone.

Misery has never been this sweet. I want to have it all. I want to have you…

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