Whilst the color fades away…

I stared at the pillow. The letters started to fade and the paint started to run. It was because of the continuous rain. It is as if the letters turned into tears. The once clear message has now turned into nothing but mere droplets of yesterday. As I watch the scene, it reminded me of my hopes. My dreams. The dreams I dreamt for the both of us, like the color, faded away.

I sacrificed many things – my pride, my reputation, my second family, all for the sake of being with you, even for a few hours. I still remembered how my friends stared at me as I shouted your name. They were all in awe, how I managed to “betray” our beliefs for you. It was the first time I didn’t support my principles, the first time I even lied to myself. But it seems that everything else did not matter, as long as I get a few stolen gazes at you. I was a paranoid person, but miraculously, the paranoia disappeared the moment you came out from your room, to show the world why I was so amazed with you.

I was sitting from a distance, staring at you while you do the “thing” you do best. Some people shouted from behind me, cheering for your colleague. You stared to see those “people”, and you averted your gaze to me. For a few seconds (15 seconds), the world stopped as we exchanged gazes. You were the most handsome figure to me and I was nearly running out of breath as the 15 seconds go by. I was, at that time, wondering what you were thinking while you stared at me. “What if he recognizes me? I went to his place a few weeks ago, and merely stayed conscious as he passed in front of me”, “What if he thinks I’m such a fan girl?”, “What if he thinks I look stupid with my outfit?” – Countless what if’s revolved inside my mind.

The show started. He was running, trying his best. I was screaming, trying my best, too. My peers stared at me from the distance, probably thinking how shameless I was. I didn’t care, I screamed more. I screamed your name, your nickname, your surname and your full name. I didn’t matter to me if you heard me or not, but it seemed like I wanted the world to know how much I wanted you. I raised up a “pillow” that has that color of yours, to show support. Countless “Go’s”, “Fight’s” and “Don’t give up’s” came from my mouth.

After an hour, everything became pointless. You weren’t able to make it. I wanted to cry as I stared at you from the distance. You were so sad; it was the most horrible figure of you. I didn’t want it that way. I wanted to approach you and deluge you into a very tight hug, where you would feel you were the victor. I wanted to deluge you into kisses, kisses that praise your work. But I myself couldn’t bring myself to even talk to you. You don’t know me, and you probably didn’t care.

With a heavy heart, I still clutched at the pillow. It was raining very hard on my way home. I took the bus, sat in a very cold corner and placed the pillow in front of me. I saw that it was dripping wet. The letters written in it start to fade with the water. The color wasn’t very strong, that was why it was fading. I thought, “Maybe my desires are also like these letters and colors, not strong enough…” As I continuously spend my time on the bus, wanting to get home, the colors and letters continue to fade, along with my dreams of talking to you that day, the wishes of victory for you. Everything faded. But since the pillow was still intact, I believe my love stayed. Whilst the color faded away, I still kept the pillow – A sign of my everlasting love.


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