04.03.10 and 04.03.11 — Before and After [TVXQ Reflections]

 04.03.10

It’s all coming back to me.

Around 5 PM that day, I was here in the same place, at home, designing a shirt for TVXQ. I knew a little, about the size of a pea, in editing pictures, as well as in designing T-SHIRT prints. So, I was just putting pictures together using publisher and powerpoint. I kept reminding myself at the same time that it was a Saturday, meaning later at a about 7 PM, “Break Out” by Tohoshinki will be on TV (M.I.T 20).

At the same time, my Facebook account was available for chat. Adding the finishing touches for the design I came up with, a sound suddenly startled me. Someone wanted to talk to me on chat.

“Have you seen this? Oh My God. T___T (insert link of an article posted by sharingyoochun.net here)”

Suddenly, I dropped everything I was doing, the world stopped on me, I wasn’t able to reply and the person chatting me just cried, though I did not personally see it, I knew she was, because I was already crying as well.

Tohoshinki will go into an indefinite hiatus, suspending all their activities as FIVE– as stated by the company, AVEX Entertainment.

Prior to that, they already did as Dong Bang Shin Ki, in South Korea. Meaning, their Japanese Activities were the threads that everyone held on to, now, shattered.

There was nothing I could do, but cry and cry. I thought it was so unfair for me, and for everyone else who came into this fandom too late. Why stop now, when I haven’t even seen you as five? All sorts of negative feelings, hate towards the ones who were the original cause and lots of questions. My world was totally messed up, I knew millions around the world were feeling the same way, too.

Cassiopeia Philippines opened a chatroom for everyone who needed someone to talk to, and I met a lot of people there. Some of our Eonnis tried to lighten up the mood, some were ranting, some kept on asking why and some remained quiet and just wanted to know how the others were coping up. I was one of those who remained quiet, the pain was overwhelming. Although, occasionally, I would type and join the conversations, most of time I just stared blankly on the chatbox.

When time finally came I needed to switch the television on and watch, tears were unstoppable. I was crying while watching Break Out! Crying as much as I would cry listening to “Stand By U”, “Wasurenaide”, “Mid Uh Yo” and “Love in the Ice” together. My mom kept asking me why, but I couldn’t even bring my voice out. Nothing was coming out. Just tears.

I went back to chat, some were being positive already, some were still down on the ground and of course, I was one of them. I didn’t feel any hunger. I just wanted to be there, stagnant, lifeless, miserable. I stayed up until midnight, listening to CassPH’s Poya Station, helping myself out.

When finally I found the moment to finally sleep, reality still hit me hard. I couldn’t sleep soundly. Articles talking about the hiatus flashed on my head non-stop, like I was counting sheep, but ironically, I couldn’t. I was still a complete mess the next morning, of course.

It was then the phrase “ALWAYS KEEP THE FAITH” became so powerful. Everyone knew that it was an unsure path, some gave up that day, but many remained to use that phrase. And I was one of those who still use that phrase to date.

04.03.11

It’s all coming back to me, still.

It’s been a year since and everything is still very clear to me.

Up until now I can still feel the pain, it still hurts here on my chest. Articles still flash on my mind and I still ask questions why. I still shed tears, I still ask support from fellow Cassies who feel the same and are very dear to me and I still have negative feelings here inside me.

But more importantly, I’m still here. I’m still using that phrase, “ALWAYS KEEP THE FAITH”; I’m still a Cassiopeia and I’m still waiting.

It has been a bumpy road, we have passed through many many obstacles, some friends have given up along the way. Some refused the helping hands, some went the wrong path and some chose to continue the journey. Some of my closest friends left me, but many are still here beside me running towards the end of the dark tunnel.

If next year I’ll still be writing this, whether still updating on how many have left and stayed, which I hope not anymore, because I’d of course want to write about how many came back and arrived and how happy I am that finally, the sufferings have ended, It’s ok.

I know next year, I’ll still have the same mindset.

I’d still be a mess when I cry.

I’d still ask questions.

I’d still keep the faith, though.

And I’d still be here.

I’d still remember this date forever.

ALWAYS KEEP THE FAITH.

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