Breaking Nails

 A sudden outburst of thoughts after something that happened one night.

We hurt each other because of the emotions that have been locked away for along time exploded. Because I was also afraid to lose you, I had preferred, for a very long time, to prevent things from getting worse, at the cost of saying “ok” to everything, even if it was a lie.

 

 

Almost a month ago, on my seat during my Filipino class, my close friend, seating next to me, had the whim to check my fingers.

“You have such beautiful fingers. You keep on taking extra good care of them, don’t you?”

“You know how much Jaejoong likes women with beautiful hands and fingers, right?”

Jaejoong, a member of South Korean Quintet Dong Bang Shin Ki, was my ultimate crush. He often says on interviews that he prefers women with beautiful hands.

One of my beautiful hands (I assume they really are beautiful because everyone around me says so) features are the colors of my nails. They are often painted with Pearl Red, which is the color code of Dong Bang Shin Ki’s fanclub, Cassiopeia.

I always grow my nails very long, because it helps beautify my fingers. I extremely hate it when they’re short, because they make my fingers look like a child’s. It looks fierce when it’s long, very woman-like. A woman who is strong and courageous. I take extreme caution whenever I move my hands, wear my clothes, do any kind of action. Whenever my nails break, my world goes insane. Whenever a crack appears on one of my nails, I act like all of them are going to disappear, like they will never grow again. All sorts of emotions fill my mind – like the pressure to not go out with friends, not show anyone my hands and hope lost that my hands are going to become beautiful again. I overreact like that. There is always this need inside me that says that my hands should always be on their perfect condition when I show them to people.

So, whenever they break or get a crack. I take countermeasures to save them.

Funny as it may seem, I try to get it back together. Take this as a confession.

I use super glue to connect the broken nails together.

They work.

Once my close friend sitting next to me checked on my hands and saw one of my nails looking deviant.

“What happened here? Something’s bulging on your thumbnail?”, she asked.

“Oh, that one. It was broken so I placed super glue to put and prevent the crack from completely destroying it”

“What?! You are a weirdo!”

I knew from the very beginning that it was really weird to put super glue on nails. I did it without thinking about the health consequences. But I decided I’d rather risk it than having to cut the other nails which were not yet broken. It does not look aesthetically good if there was one short nail out of ten nails, leaving nine still in perfect condition, right?

So, I kept on doing that whenever one or two of my fingernails get cracks. I was so happy that finally, I found a solution to save my nails from being cut off! My close friend also kept on bothering me, telling that I was weird.  I also kept on telling her that she does not understand because she does not even care about her own nails. I took pride on mine. And I’d do whatever it is I can just to save them.

As my fingernails grow longer than ever, almost each of my fingernails starts to have cracks on them. I keep on putting super glue on each and leave it like that.  Reality hit me hard there, though. The super glue does not completely do the job. Time comes that they break again because the super glue loses its adhesive power. Sometimes it only lasts for a week, so I’ll have to put on the same spot again. The nails that have too much dried super glue on them start to look so bulgy and annoying. They look weird and dirty, even ugly. The thumbnails were the worst. Even so, I refuse to cut them off. And even when I finally decided to, I could not.

The dried glue became too hard for it to be cut. And because there was too much, it became impossible to even scratch it off. I had no choice but to leave it like that. I was kind of happy that it was very strong, but kind of sad because even though they are intact, they are not as beautiful and perfect like they were before.

I let it like that. I did not have a choice anyway.

A few weeks after, I finally got rid of all the super glue on my nails. They look squeaky clean and pure like they were before. I cleansed it, put nail polish on it and added the finishing touches (more known as colorless polish). I decided I did not want to have to put super glue again when time comes that one of my nails break again, so I did some research on the internet. Particularly, as to why some nails break easily. Several pages came up, and there was this one article that talked about nail personalities. When I opened the page, it showed a table of nail characteristics on the left side, and on the right, the explanation as to why those characteristics are present on nails. I scrolled until I found the exact characteristics my nails possess – brittle, easily breaks and dull in color. Reading over, I learned that there is a specific health issue behind every characteristic. Like mine says that I have poor health.

I never thought that even little things like nails have a bigger issue behind them. After all, I just thought of nails as ornaments I could abuse for my own sake. At least now, I know much better.

Super Glue isn’t always the best option.

 

Reminds me of that night when mistakes one after another hit me like gigantic waves. I thought I took utmost care of some precious things on my life, by constantly trying to paste beautiful words so as not to lose them. When that night came, I realized it was much better to let things be, let my feelings out and not hide them anymore.

Super glue can conceal a broken nail, so as beautiful words can conceal a broken relationship. But like super glue, a time will come that it’ll become uglier, and eventually fall out too.

Perhaps it would have been much better if I avoided using super glue, and instead, letting things be? My nails would have grown much better after that, prettier, cleaner and more mature?

Perhaps, we would have avoided what happened to us if were more honest. We shouldn’t have hid our opinions by coating them with “ok” words.

But regrets have no room here. Let us take this simple metaphor of “nails” as a very important lesson in life. 

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