I decided to write about all these thoughts now, because I’m worried that when I leave them for tomorrow, the words wouldn’t be able to envelop the real meanings anymore.
To be honest, I almost forgot about the date. I have been too busy wallowing in misery for the past few days, because of those issues – and now that I realized it, it was quite pathetic for me to have been affected about. No, I think there was something else, still.
Oh right. These past days I have been too busy trying to avoid all the pain I could’ve felt. I was too caught up trying to escape all the negativity. And I was too caught up trying my best to increase every little ounce of possibility to see you all again. I was too pre-occupied with my greed that I failed to realize one thing.
I was suffocating my heart.
I failed to realize right away that the embrace that was originally intended to protect this love I feel for you, became the very thing that almost threatened its life. I failed to realize that my arms were strangling it – almost stripping it off of its life in the process.
I want to go back – back to the time when the love I felt for you wasn’t wrapped in greed yet. Back when it was still pure and simple; innocent and wanted only the modest things. I want to go back to the time when the love I felt for you didn’t ask for anything in return yet. I want it to go back to its sincerest, unconditional form.
And fate works in mysterious ways, doesn’t it?
Just like how it worked the first time my heart sincerely beat for all twelve of you.
The heavens had plans – and losing you wasn’t a part of it. Not a bit.
We were fated. I was fated to find you, and I believe I am forever fated to be there for you.
Just like right now. I almost lost you – yet somehow I still ended up finding you.
I saw that letter written by another one of your fans – a post of her heartfelt and sincerest feelings for you.
Then I realized we were, in so many ways, the same.
When I first took hold of knowledge about you, I only had eyes for one. I only had eyes for him. And I didn’t care about anybody else. That fan also mentioned that she only liked one person before. We were similar, weren’t we?
That is why it is only now that I am celebrating the 365th day of my love for you – while I celebrated his 2 months ago.
Back then, I could only like one from you – because I hated you with guts. I hated all of you so much before. Why wouldn’t I? You were being pampered while the five men I found way before you came in to the picture suffered so much. People all around me kept on saying you were the ‘new project’ in attempts to take their place. I had every reason to hate you – from a song that sounded dangerously similar to one of theirs – to rumors that had you allegedly disrespecting us. Yes, I believed my hate had substance. Yet in the end, they didn’t. And again, I found myself hating you more – because I couldn’t accept yet that you were but victims as well. I couldn’t accept the fact that I was wrong – and it came as a slap in the face because I ended up liking one of you. He was the only one – yet I knew he wasn’t going to be just one in long run. I was bound to get to know all of you – simply because he cared for you. What right do I have to cast away your existence? I know I was entering a dangerous pit – and I hated you for that. I hated you for the spell that you were able to cast in me.
For two, foolish months – I didn’t care about you. I only cared about him. It was foolishly sweet at one point, because that just shows the special connection I had with him, yet it was also foolish in a way that I once disrespected the people he treasures so much. Way to call myself his fan, right?
Thankfully, the magic had started working. My eyes did fail me for two months – thankfully, the eyes of my heart opened.
And I finally saw all 12 of you.
Him, he gave that aura that mysteriously attracted me to him. You, the rest of you, I admit, you just rode on that at first. I checked everyone else out because he loved you as his brothers. I had to, lest I’d like to stay as an unworthy fan. Typing these words, I felt the urge to slap myself. How could have I?
So, I want to apologize for everything. I don’t know how to repent, but I’m trying my best to give you all the love you deserve.
Because you are worthy of every love.
Holding on to that at first, slowly, I got to know each one of you bit by bit. So there’s Tao, Lay, Chen, Xiumin, Lu Han – for EXO M. I got to know you guys first, because you were closest to Kris. Then came Kai, Sehun, Suho, Baekhyun, Chanyeol and D.O. Honestly at first, I never planned on getting to know K. I felt that there was no need to – after all, Kris would promote most of the time with the M, only. Horrible wasn’t it? But you deserve the truth – it’s the least I can do for you to make up for all these foolish thoughts I once held against you. So, yes, the first few days, I only cared about EXO M. Even as I watched the fancams of the showcase, I only had eyes for the first six – with special attention to Kris, of course. I had liked him for two months earlier than the rest, after all.
Even after you debuted, yes, honestly, I only did care about the first six of you.
But then as time passed by – especially when EXO M started attending variety shows, seeing as how attached the six of you were to the remaining six on the other sub-unit, I felt another pang of guilt inside my chest. How could have I? Yifan, Taozi, Xiao Lu, Baozi, ChenChen, and Xing Tou all sincerely loved you, the remaining six. How could have I been apathetic towards you? I wallowed in misery watching how Taozi basically cried every time he admitted in public how much he missed you. And it wasn’t even because I hated seeing him in tears. It was because I realized once again, that I have done another foolish thing.
So, I needed to regain myself again.
I’m sorry, really sorry, I felt that way towards you – JunMen, Hunnie, Jonginie, Bacon, Yeol-ah, Kyungsoo-yah. But now, I’m trying my best to protect you better.
All is well, and it was the beginning of a new chapter in my life.
It was the beginning of a newfound life – a life I wouldn’t trade for the world, if the world didn’t have you.
All 12 of you.
I followed you all the way – from every 30-second news clips that had you, to SMTOWN and joint concerts that had the honour of having you. Everything, I have it here. From fan-taken shots to full, high-quality, official photos. I have every song – from commercial jingles to previews of unreleased collaborations and SMTOWN special stages rips. And I never missed any update. No matter where I was, I had any form of device with me – devices that can help me know what’s happening to all of you; even as you promote at the same time. It was hard, but those months were fulfilling. They gave me a life amidst the dullness and wasteland that was everything around me. Your existence gave me a reason to wake up every day with a smile and anticipation.
Time indeed flies, doesn’t it? No matter how many times I rub my eyes right now, I still couldn’t believe that under a year, I have pushed so many limits for the sake of this devotion I have for you.
Let me tell you a story. No, scratch that – an epic. Let me tell you an epic.
Two months after I finally accepted the reality that I indeed have you as a part of my life, I decided I needed to see you in person.
Just two months.
It took others years.
But you, two months.
I decided to reach the impossible in two months of barely knowing you.
I can still remember why.
It was SMTOWN in L.A.
I needed to see you.
To say I had suffered a tremendous amount of hardships just to see you definitely sugar-coats the words. I suffered heartbreaks, I suffered deaths in my soul – I suffered miseries. And I am not even exaggerating them. I didn’t have a job yet, because I was still studying. Every penny that I paid for my airfare, food and lodging that kept me alive in that country all came from my fair share of sacrifices. I sacrificed something I’ve been wanting to have for almost 3 years. And what’s more surprising is that I didn’t feel any regrets. Because the smile on my face when I sat on that airplane was more than enough to convince me that I was, indeed, happy. All the frustrations of pushing my limits just to see you, all those nights of lack of sleep thinking of ways to make everything possible – they were all goners the moment the plane took off.
It was a powerful feeling of happiness.
I flew miles to see you. It was romantic.
That day when I stood at Changi Airport for 3 hours to wait for you; that day I made foreign friends who also loved you, and that day I cried in the middle of a crowd of almost a hundred just because I didn’t get to see you. That night when I first saw you in simple t-shirts and jeans rehearsing just to give us the best stage, was also the first time I heard your voices live. That night I literally slept for just two hours because the thought of ‘dream come true’ in less than 24 hours excited every cell in me. That next night when I first heard, ‘We Are One!’ – the same night I first saw with my own eyes how some of you got hurt, yet the same night my true emotions came out. That night I heard your voices for the first time. That night I realized so many things. That night my dream came true. That night, that happiest night of my life – I still remember vividly. The following day I had to clutch to my chest in pain as the plane took off again, because I was afraid to lose all the wonderful memories. Its pains remain inside of me until now.
The wonderful memories of seeing you for the first time.
And then you came; this time you flew to us. I couldn’t be happier.
That night when I felt really scared because Jonginie got hurt. That same night I felt a greater fear because M wasn’t there. That night I waited for you by the entrance but you didn’t pass through there. That night I tossed and turned – worried sick. That night I challenged my limits. That night I almost cried. That night that gave funny memories. The following day M came. That day…. You saw me. That day, your hands moved for me and my friends. That day, you flashed a smile, especially for us. That day – I’ll never forget. That day I finally made my existence known to you. That night, you gave your all. That night, you made me cry again. That night, I realized, there will be more tears to shed.
And last Sunday, I re-kindled them.
Today, by some chance, I passed by that place.
That place we had in common when you flew here.
It was funny, I cried.
I miss you. Everything in that place screamed of you.
Everything in that place, pulled my heart.
Everything in that place – was the 12 of you.
I walked by the bay – the same bay Xiao Lu had a photo of him taken at. The same bay that all 12 of you passed through to get to the hotel. I gazed all around me.
Before, I never looked at this place as anything special. It wasn’t that pleasant and healthy, after all. But surprisingly, I was one of the first to step out of the car when my family decided to stay there for a while.
And now, it was a place that held my heart.
On our way home, our car passed by that hotel. I saw the floors that housed the 12 of you for just a day. Funny how the buildings looked too simple, but in my eyes they sparkled with magic. For me, those simple, years-old buildings are wonderlands – places more magical than Neverland itself. The beauty of that place will certainly put Peter Pan’s claim to his place as the most beautiful, to shame.
Why not? It was in that place that even for just a few seconds, you guys found out that I existed. It was in that place, that your hands moved to acknowledge my presence. And even though a few others behind me and my friends would claim those waves and smiles as directed towards them as well, I don’t care. Your eyes saw us, and I’m more than thankful. I wouldn’t trade those for any material thing.
And now, I’m typing this letter to you – still not fully believing that 365 days had already passed us by. From hating you before for immature reasons, to finally accepting your existence and giving you respect. From liking one person, to all 12 of you. From realizing the beauty of your first music video, to the undying greatness of your title. From collecting variety show clips, to collecting joint concert performances. From strangers to newfound family. From the Philippines to Singapore, and back to the Philippines. From the computer screens, to concert venues. From dreams to reality. From indifference to love. So much has happened in one revolution of the Earth around the sun.
Wondering what happens in the next few days, weeks, months, I stop my typing. Certainly, fate will have more plans. But before I look forward to the next events, I want to take this opportunity…
…to tell you I’m thankful to you.
Thank you, for the happiest and most colourful year of my life so far. Because of you, I met great people. Because of you, I flew to places. Because of you, I experienced living a life that is worth calling a life – simply because I pushed my limits without give much care to what people will think. Because of you, I learned to break my bones just to chase what I want to chase. Because of you, I’m contented.
And the only way I can repay you is to stay here, write for you always – with my small words, but with the deepest meanings I can summon. I can only protect you from afar – but rest assured I will always make myself heard. Because words are just empty words if not heard and understood. I’d shout if I need to shout – just so people will learn about you. I’d rather break my vocal cords that let them rot in uselessness. If I managed to grow wings for you, I’ll manage to let people see your heaven as well.
And shameless at it may seem, I would like to request…
Let me love you for a while longer.
Though perhaps next year, I’d be asking for the same thing, too.
A small fan of yours who found her voice and her heart – who grew wings and learned to fly.