I think it’s time, that I ask for divine providence. It’s becoming quite fearful, even if I have already felt this fear way before when I first succumbed to these forbidden emotions inside of me. But today’s fear isn’t quite like other – it’s a fear of the end. It seems like I can’t only succumb, but also surrender: not only my heart, my soul, my being, but also my future. Nothing’s left of me… I just lost them today.
I dreamt of him again.
A basketball match was going on between the boys – a friendly game they decided to do since it was presumably their free time. They wore indistinguishable jerseys. My eyes searched for him automatically, but I couldn’t find him. Maybe I had a hunch why, because my heart didn’t bang violently like it always does whenever I feel uncontrollable emotions inside of me.
I couldn’t remember anything else.
It was time to relax. Everyone was gathered inside someone else’s home – each finding places to sit on beside their friends. I was standing, perhaps expecting someone. Just then, the door opens – revealing the person I have been looking for since the earlier events. He wore those ridiculous, but immensely gorgeous jeans; matched with that simple, yet muscular shirt and finished with those striking black sneakers. Of course, he never failed to remind me why my eyes loved to see him. Immediately, I felt my life creep back to me, as if he brought it along with him wherever he goes. I felt a smile grace my face, which had been sporting nothing but a stony expression earlier – and I failed to note that. Unbeknownst to me, I wasn’t the only one smiling at his presence. Someone else behind me was expecting him to return, and with him, her heart.
He had her heart. And she had his, too. My heart, it just remains here – platonic.
Then someone appeared behind him – a person I’ve been dreading to meet. Not because I didn’t like that person, but because I’m scared of how I’d react when that person finally appears in front of us. Everyone stood up abruptly, acknowledging the new presence. I stayed there rooted, frozen, scared, but at the same time, enthusiastic.
His mama appeared.
It was like witnessing a fashion gala. Her beauty and youthful appearance lit up the room. It was as if the appreciative smiles she brought with her were like pixie dusts which ultimately covered all within radius and wrapped with elegance. Like her son, she was royal. She was divine, she was majestic. And to top it all, she looked so much like him. I felt tears to my eyes threatening to fall – in front of me, was another him; the person who brought the most important person in my life into this world. She was the Queen Mother who brought the young King to rule the kingdom called my heart. And to my dismay, someone else behind me is probably thinking of the same way.
He approached me first, not because of anything in particular, it’s just that I was standing nearest. I was in the spot surrounded by all the couches that have been taken over by tired bodies. He smiled at me as I felt my life finally returning inside my body. He then proceeded to introduce his mama to everyone else. By now, my eyes were watching two figures: him and the most important person in his life. The reason why he was alive. And I could feel the love radiating from him – he was the perfect son and she was the perfect mother. He smiled all his rare smiles as he lovingly made his friends his mother’s friends too. My chest was about to burst from all the admiration for these two. Then, a striking pain hit me. I could never have them both. He will never be mine. She will never be my second mother. It’s not just close to impossible – it’s beyond impossible. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t be more pathetic than I already am, could I? So like other days, I endured the pain. I became used to it. But I did hope that somehow, time will numb everything. But no, the pain becomes stronger by the day – like a cancer that gets worse until I reach my terminal stage.
I was snapped out of my thoughts as I saw everyone taken aback. Apparently, his mama shot a question that left everyone, even him himself dumbfounded.
‘Does my son have a special someone already?’
Right then and there, I wanted to disappear. As if the world hasn’t been cruel enough, I am to witness perhaps, that one event that will completely break my heart into pieces finally. The time to move on with life without him is drawing nearer. He was going to pick her of course, that person behind me. She had his heart, and hers, his. It would take a miracle for the world to not know of this match made in heaven.
But then again, maybe a miracle was what I needed.
With cautious steps, he stood in front of me. Everyone gaped at the scene. I felt my heart stop and my breathing hitched when I felt his two gigantic hands place itself on my shoulders. I looked up instantly, and regretted it. My being couldn’t take all the emotions being exchanged as his eyes bore into mine’s. What was happening?
Then what I felt next was his warmth being completely devouring me.
Thousands of questions swirled inside my head. Why was he hugging me?
He pulled away after what perhaps seemed to me as eternity. I was disappointed. This could only mean two things, right? Either he was hugging me, because he was sorry he couldn’t pick me. Or the beyond impossible otherwise. I believed it was the first.
But he always takes me by surprise.
All that my brain processed, was the short and vague phrase , ‘your beauty is something you can share with everyone.’ What did he mean by that? Then he looked to someone behind me, while I followed the direction of his gaze. He directed our attention to her: the other person who wishes to be with him. Then he commenced what he was saying to me, ‘unlike hers whose beauty is only for herself.’ What? I still couldn’t understand.
Then a lot of booming congratulations pierced my ears. I still couldn’t comprehend all that was happening. I seriously couldn’t. It was only until his mama approached me and gave me a motherly smile that I finally got an idea of what was actually happening. He stepped sideways to let his mama come to me. She held my shoulders and just kept smiling at me. Like before, my brain failed to processed most of the words that escaped her mouth, and all that I heard was a, ‘Come on. My son can drive.’
I wasn’t usually this slow.
I stayed frozen on the ground. Everyone exited the place happily, except that other female. But nonetheless, she made her exit. And why did I feel that her exit was to become forever? I didn’t have anything against her, don’t get me wrong. Her shoulders were slumped in sorrow – as if she was defeated in a battle that was supposed to be hers for the taking. I still don’t understand everything. What was wrong with me?
Then I heard footsteps, the only footsteps left, slowly walking away. I raised my chin up to find him slowly heading for the exit, too. Then he turned to me. And smiled.
‘Let’s go. We need to eat. Maybe you’ll snap out of it and finally process everything when you’re full’
I hate it when he acts like a mind-reader. Of course he knew I still couldn’t understand and process everything that’s happening because all my senses have failed me so far. I nodded and followed suit.
Outside, his mama, one of the boys, who was closest to him, took their seats on the back of the SUV, leaving just the passenger’s seat and the driver’s seat untaken. He would be driving, so does that mean I was to take the passenger’s? Not that I mind, but something was different with today. Usually, I’d be very thankful to the heavens if I could at least stay near him within a meter’s radius. But today seemed awkward. My heart banged against my ribcage as I walked nearer. He finally settled himself inside the vehicle, in front of the steering wheel. They were waiting for me.
As I finally sat down, I felt the urge to snap a photo of him driving. Of course, that didn’t go unnoticed, but it was like he expected me to. He knew the effect men that drive have on me. He smiled a small smile.
It was only as I typed the caption to the photo that my mind finally caught up with everything.
I smiled as I read what I typed.
I woke up feeling more scared than ever. I dreamt my dream. And scared that most people say, that dreams are opposite of what happens in real life. Superstitions say, that dreams can be reversed when you turn your pillows upside-down after waking up.
But I never touched my pillow.
It was a sign that I finally lost it, haven’t I? I think my future just left me. Because I’m going to be just like this for the rest of my life.
You’ve taken everything away from me – even the smallest sanity and rationality left in me.