I guess there’s really nothing more splendid, than waking up in the morning after seeing your face in my dreams – and feeling the surreal emotions that go beyond reality for me.
After a night of almost no sleep, last night was my only chance to regain the energies I’ve lost from a tiring day. Looking forward to regaining life back, I closed my eyes wishing for a solemn night of sleep. But I guess a worthwhile sleep isn’t worthwhile after all without having you as my visitor. It’s been another long time. Our meeting this time was short, but sweet, and full of meanings I’ve been meaning to define since a couple of months ago. Prior to last night, so much of my life has been taken up by everyday, future, and even past anxieties.
It is proper to say that a lot of valuable thoughts have been drifting away from my mind due to traffic – and painfully honestly, you, as well. No matter what, I still tried to fit everything in my life; a few minutes of writing to you every night – it was the only thing I could do with my now cluttered life. The feeling of missing you, plus the feeling of fear that my feelings might be slowly disappearing ate me up every night before I slept. No matter how much the feelings of having a one-sided, platonic love tortured me, it was still one of the primary sources of my life. You were still, one primary source of my life. So I didn’t want the feelings to falter, no matter how many people start to enter my life, no matter how many leave, and no matter how much everything was disorganized. There should be you, organized in my being.
And maybe, just maybe, the sleepless, un-fulfilling nights were also because we haven’t met for a long time.
Strut in white robes, I kept spinning, twirling and circling around the whole place like a free spirit; singing in wonderful tunes of love. For each turn I made, I made it a point to spot you from the audience. You wore that audacious hairdo whose bangs end too short above your forehead, with that bare face and adorably weird smile that makes you, you. And I only see you, and no one else. Your presence ate everyone else’s, just like how your existence ate my life.
Every tune that came out of my lips, were professions of love for you who smiled endearingly there in the audience. Every vibration is a signal of my emotions; every twirl and spin – a tribute to you. Whatever I did there with my heart, it was all for you. And all potentials, my strength, my power, my everything – it was all for you. And I was invincible.
However, I noticed that your glances were split between me, and someone else – who also sang with me.
I expected hurt to come. And it did. However, I balled my emotions and locked them away instantly – in a place you will never find, and in a place even I perhaps, will never find again. I continued to dance and sing, and gaze at your eyes even when they were not on me all the time. You can look anywhere, and it was unfair that I can only look at you. You can see anyone, but why do I always only see you? That moment, I realized the inconvenient truth that you will never be mine – and that I will just have to live with it, lest I would want to lose you.
After the performance, you ran towards me with open arms. I told myself that at least for that moment, you were mine, and you came to me. With tears threatening to fall from my eyes, I marched towards you and enclosed myself in your arms. As cliche as it may sound, the world stopped. There was only me and you. And you were mine. Your arms were on me.
After what seemed like beyond eternity, I walked with you behind me – your right arm still wrapped around me, locking my back to your front. It was a back hug, as we walked. That moment, I was glad we weren’t facing each other, because what I said after was painfully hard to utter.
‘You were looking at her’
I tried my best to make it sound like I was teasing him. I guess I did a good job.
‘Don’t deny, idiot’
Three strikes to my heart. I was dying.
‘But right now I only see you’
I only see you too. I always only see you.
You kill me, then you bring me back to life again. How could you do such a thing? But still…
‘Thank you, to the man I love the most’
Right now, it’s just us. And yes, it’s enough. I can be just a good friend. And I will be happy.
If my dream was indeed telling me something, I guess it alerted me that this love has taken an interesting turn.
…that I will always love you.
With a love that goes beyond letting go. With a love that does not expect. I was wrong, it wasn’t platonic. It was unconditional. And that’s better.